It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
