I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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