i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And then he peed in my hair
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