he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
