I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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