DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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