I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
