feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize