Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
