Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
