Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
