how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
