maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
