the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
