You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
