My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
