do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
