those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
