I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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