Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
