I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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