I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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