I puked a lego.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
time to smoke my breakfast
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
