So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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