my mouth tastes like poor choices
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
