i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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