Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
