I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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