so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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