I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
