Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im six kinds of drunk right now
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
