I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
