it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
