you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
