just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
