I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
