I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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