I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
