I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
