Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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