What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
