Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
