My Higher Power is John Stamos
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
