I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
