I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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