the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
