see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
