Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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