the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
