**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
