So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
