I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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