I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize